Date: Monday, June 8, 2009
Time: 10:06 PM

" I'm falling apart. I'm barely breathing."

I have read this certain story about this reality check that a teen guy had. I'll try to put a verbatim as I don't remember the exact words. "I wish I was that guy. I wish I had the power to break the will of any woman I possess, that way, no man would ever look her way, and she'll be broken, the way he did her. And the best part? She'll always be mine."

What I'm feeling right now is fueled by that story. I have been broken, and I'm scared that I won't ever be good enough for another. He just made sure that I'm broken so that I won't look as appealing to anyone else, only to him. It's a selfish deed really, and I've let it go on for so long.

Deep inside me, I feel the pangs of pain from time to time. It somehow gets buried from the other clutters, but by a simple argument, it resurfaces, exposing it's wounds which seem to never heal no matter how long it has been. It's slowly eating me up inside.

I can always pretend I'm ok. I've gotten so used to acting like I'm okay. People never ask much when they see the smiles plastered on my face, and honestly, I like it too. It makes me forget. It's an addiction. I have grown to like hiding from their pangs.

I hate it. As much as I like it, I hate feeling this way. In a way, it seems like I'm worthless to anyone but him. "Don't let others determine your worth", a cliche, but I can't seem to apply it in my own situation.

I know my capabilities and my potentials. I know what i can do, and I know that I can do it. That is me speaking of my physical,and intellectual side, but how about my emotional side?

I don't think I'm healthy emotionally. I'm so scarred. I've been broken so badly by a very selfish man. I just want it all to stop.

I know I was wrong for leaving numerous times, but what you did, what you did was way beyond incomprehensible. FOUL. FOUL. It would never justify or compare to what I did. I look like such an angel compared to you. I HATE YOU..but I love you.. 0have left cookies for me